I feel lost. For those who don't really know me. I just turned 30... Did I achieve everything I thought I would by the ripe 'old' age of 30? Absolutely fucking not. Does anyone ever? Really? Outside of bragging about what they have achieved, alongside saying things they think people want to hear of course. In conversations I overhear involving people my own age, I hear questions like 'ohh do you have children yet?' to which it's normally met with a response of 'oh god no, I'm enjoying just being in my own company for now'. When in reality the crippling fear of missing out on having children because they haven't met the right person yet, or they aren't in the right place right now to have them is looming over them. But of course we play the part we think we should, the part that will be better received by the friend or relative that decides to check In that week.
I bet that sounds like I'm full of spite or anger, towards the people my age that are already on their second or even their third child. And to be complete honest, sometimes I am...but in truth I guess most of the time I'm just angry at myself. For leaving my 'baby' behind. No, not an actual baby. There isn't a child out there wondering where the hell I ran off to. No, I'm actually on about travelling. Travelling was my baby. After the mad rush of being forced to make a decision about what I wanted to do with my life i.e university, and then ultimately loosing my way with the decision I made...I actually found something that made me feel alive again, made me feel passionate and almost unconditionally happy.
I think that even though women have managed to shake a lot of the ideology that's surrounding us about what we should do, and at what age. We still subconsciously feel a lot of pressure in regards to what's expected from us. Even though I had a long 6 years of being single and being happy about it, I still felt the pressure to find someone to 'start a life' with. To 'settle down' with. To 'have a family' with. When the actual reality was, I had started a life, a life full of adventure and excitement. I had settle down, in knowing who I was alone and being content with it. Most of all I had a family, a family formed of relatives and amazing friends I had collected along the years. And of course, like we all do, I now sit there thinking sometimes about what my life would still be like if I hadn't felt the pressure, and was still out there visiting places I'd never seen.
People say that when you start to feel like this, it's because you're beginning to transition between who you used to be, and who you're becoming. But what if the world is pushing you to be a different person, when you aren't actually finished with who your were...